Our annual 1-page "year-at-a-glance" calendar was begun in 1997, and each year contains a collection of humor and philosophy for your amusement. Samples of recent content follow. If you would like to be put on the mailing list for the calendar each year, send an e-mail with your mailing address.
More On Murphy's Laws:
1st Amendment: If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
2nd Amendment: If you realize that there are three possible ways in which something can go wrong, and cover them all, then a fourth, unprepared-for way, will miraculously appear out of thin air.
3rd Amendment: When something breaks, the parts damaged are in direct proportion to their value.4th Amendment: The failure does not appear until the machinery has passed its final inspection.
5th Amendment: When you drop a part, it always rolls into the darkest corner.
Last Amendment to Murphy's law: Any attempt to print out this copy of Murphy's law will crash the computer.
Examples of Murphy's Law
Your lost needle will be found by your husband when he is walking around barefoot.
The worst pupil in any class will be a school governor's son.
Vital documents that were mailed with no errors will develop errors in the mail.
The other line always moves faster.
Other Factors When Studying Murphy's Law
Finagle's Rider: Anything that can go wrong, will --at the worst possible moment.
Forsyth's Corollary: Just when you see the light at the end of the tunnel, the roof caves in.
Gumperson's Law: The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.
Zymurgy's Law: Once you open a can of worms, the only way to re-can them is to use a larger can.
Hanlon's Razor: Never assume malice when stupidity will suffice.
Brook's Law: Adding manpower to a project that is behind schedule will delay it further.
Inverse of Murphy's Law: If something does go right subsequent events will show that it would have been better if it had gone wrong.
The Conundrum of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to go to the rest room.
Lesser Known Murphy's Laws
· Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
· He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
· Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
· Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't.
· Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
· The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
· If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
· If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
· The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
· Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.
· Flashlight: A metal tube used to store dead batteries.
· The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
· A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
How To Identify A Real Irishman:
2010 - The Wisdom of Mark Twain
"Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it."
"Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."
Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.
A lie can travel half-way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.
I am an old man and have known a great many troubles but most of them never happened.
Indecency, vulgarity, obscenity- these are strictly confined to man; he invented them. Among the higher animals there is no trace of them. - The Lowest Animal essay
The thug is aware that loudness convinces sixty persons where reasoning convinces but one. - "Is Shakespeare Dead?" essay
It is better to give than receive - especially advice.- Wit and Wisdom of Mark Twain, Alex Ayres
It's noble to be good. It's nobler to teach others to be good, and less trouble.- Wit and Wisdom of Mark Twain, Alex Ayres
You should never do anything wicked and lay it on your brother, when it is just as convenient to lay it on some other boy.- Advice for Good Little Boys
Be respectful to your superiors, if you have any.- Advice to Young People speech, 4/15/1882
It is better to read the weather forecast before we pray for rain.- Notebook; More Maxims of Mark, Johnson, 1927
Man is a Religious Animal. He is the only Religious Animal. He is the only animal that has the True Religion -- several of them. He is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself and cuts his throat if his theology isn't straight. He has made a graveyard of the globe in trying his honest best to smooth his brother's path to happiness and heaven....The higher animals have no religion. And we are told that they are going to be left out in the Hereafter. I wonder why? It seems questionable taste.- The Lowest Animal essay, 1897
We despise all reverences and all the objects of reverence which are outside the pale of our own list of sacred things. And yet, with strange inconsistency, we are shocked when other people despise and defile the things which are holy to us.- Following the Equator
"Suppose you were an idiot. Suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."
2009 - THINGS TO THINK ABOUT
If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you ?
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
7. Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.
And finally: if you have a lot of tension and get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" and "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN."
THE MAN RULES
We always hear " the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.Please note … these are all numbered "1" … on purpose!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports: It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
1. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. All men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape!
Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
How to Win Friends and Influence People
by Dale Carnegie
Mr. Carnegie’s principles, summarized here, are as valid today as when first published over 70 years ago. If only I could remember to follow them …….
Six Ways to Make People Like You
1. Become genuinely interested in other people.
3. Remember that a man’s name is to him the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
5. Talk in terms of the other man’s interests.
6. Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely.
Twelve Ways to Win People to Your Way of Thinking
1. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
2. Show respect for the other man’s opinions. Never tell a man he is wrong.
3. If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
4. Begin in a friendly way.
5. Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately.
6. Let the other man do a great deal of the talking.
7. Let the other fellow feel that the idea is his.
8. Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
9. Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.
10. Appeal to the nobler motives.
11. Dramatize your ideas.
12. Throw down a challenge.
Nine Ways to Change People Without Giving Offense:
1. Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
2. Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
3. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
4. Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
5. Let the other man save his face.
6. Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”
7. Give a man a fine reputation to live up to.
8. Use encouragement. Make the fault you want to correct seem easy to correct; make the thing you want the other person to do seem easy to do.
9. Make the other person happy about the thing you suggest.
2008 - The Mind
"Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty and Illegal In 37 States" - Stephen Wright
"The problem with America is stupidity. Why don't we just take the safety labels off everything and let the problem solve itself?"
"A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices." - William James
"Some people are wise, and some are otherwise."
"Why are wise men and wise guys the exact opposite?"
"Many people would sooner die than think. In fact they do." - Bertrand Russell
"People don't seem to realize that it takes time and effort and preparation to think. Statesmen are far too busy making speeches to think." - Bertrand Russell.
"A mind is a terrible thing to waste... That's why I save it for special occasions."
"Around here, we put the FUN in dysFUNctional."
"My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely."
"I have an open mind -- it's just closed for repairs."
"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
"I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this." - Emo Phillips
"Trust your first impressions. It seems that thinking only confuses you."
"There is only one thing that can keep growing without nourishment: The human ego." - Marshall Lumsden.
Q: "What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?" A: "I don't know and I don't care." - Norman H. Cohen
"Arguing with a man who will not produce evidence in support of his position is like arguing with a vegetable." - Aristotle
"Never argue with idiots. They just drag you down to their level and then beat you with their experience."
"Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film." - Stephen Wright.
"In a fight between you and the world, back the world."- Franz Kafka
"I think if I could turn my mind into some kind of amusement park ride, it would be really successful. It scares me half the time and I know what's in it." - R.M. Weiner
"I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!"
"I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar."
"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
"If you have half a mind to watch TV, that's enough."
"I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it."
"It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others."
"For sincere personal advice and the correct time: phone any number at random at 3am."
"If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, I wind up sharing elevators with a lot of bright people."
"Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain."
"When your IQ rises to 28, sell." - Professor Irwin Corey to a heckler.
"You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone." - Al Capone
"Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself, but talent instantly recognizes genius." - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
"Every once in a while, walk into a bookstore and buy a magazine devoted to a subject you know nothing about. Read it."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted." - Groucho Marx.
"What is a 'free' gift ? Aren't all gifts free?"
"Incontinence hot line, could you please hold..."
"Don't you wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'Brightness', but it doesn't work." - Gallagher
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else"
"If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?"
"When I consider how sweaters tend to make me sweat, I'm a lot less inclined to wear my windbreaker." - Brad Hamer
Foot /n./ a device for finding furniture in the dark.
"Give a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life." - John A. Hrastar
"If you cannot read or understand the information on this safety card, please ask the flight attendant for assistance." - Seen on a card in an airline seat pocket.
"I've practiced meditation most of my life. It's better than lying around doing nothing." - Tom Sims.
Synonym /nm./: a word you use when you can't pronounce or spell the other one.
"Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn." - Attila the Hun
"History teaches us that we learn nothing from history."
"I'm certain that the fans of Shakespeare will tell me I would enjoy his work if only I took the time to understand it. But that's like saying I would love polka music if I took the time to translate it in my head into the sound of a band I like." - Scott Adams (of Dilbert fame).
"Welcome to Arizona... NOW GO HOME!" - Bumper sticker.
"When you're hungry, eat. When you're tired, nap in a sunbeam. When you go to the vet, pee on your owner." - Cat philosophy (Gary Smith)
"Never buy a pitbull from a one armed man."
"Optimist /nm./: the owner of a Yugo with a trailer hitch."
"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."
"The world is NOT any worse; it is just that the news coverage is better."
"There are basically three kinds of men. There are the ones who learn by reading. Then there are the few who learn by observation. The rest just have to pee on the electric fence for themselves."
"People are like sausages: it's what's under the skin that's important. So poke them with a fork periodically."
"Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you're interrupting."
"Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand."
"You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash."
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional."
2006- A Little (recycled) Humor, Wisdom, etc.....
Lexicon of Inconspicuously Ambiguous Responses (LIAR), a program for (not) recommending job candidates:
Actual lines out of U.S. Military OER's (Officer Efficiency Reports):
Actual excerpts from Royal Navy and Marines officer fitness reports:
Don't Squat with Your Spurs On: A Cowboy's Guide to Life
Things to Think About:
2005 - Wisdom and Interesting Quotes for the New Year
A Tribute to Rodney Dangerfield